Planet Raptor

11:00: The movie ends with the remaining four members of the crew getting beamed up to the ship as the final horde of raptors close in. Lead Guy punches Evil Ship Commander in the face, and the credits roll.

This was the worst Sci-Fi Original I've seen to date. Thank God Raptor Island is on now. And they've got a real leading man starring in this bad boy - Lorenzo Lamas.

10:53 This movie is like a dream. Things just keep happening, and I don't understand how or why. Nobody seems to have any sort of motive to be doing what they are doing, new characters appear and disappear out of thin air, and the laws of physics don't apply. In fact, I've been watching this movie for almost two hours and I still am not really sure what its about.

10:48: Lava. So non-Weird Science chick and the leader fell in to this underground cavern, which is where all the raptors live. The chick discerned that this was their nest, and the old rulers of this world (the giant termites) thought they could control them by building on top of their nest. Or something.

Next scene, they're running through the cave, and start throwing C4 in every direction. The leader guy pushes a red button, the C4 explodes, and that somehow makes a fucking volcano erupt. Instantaneously. Fucking lava everywhere, raptors drowning in it.

Nothing makes sense. And Pappy just blew himself up to take out a raptor. His dying line: "I like my dinosaur well done." Godspeed, Pappy.

10:35 These dinosaurs look outlandish. Also, these is a lot of betrayal going on amongst the solders and I'm having a lot of trouble following the Machiavellian politics. I think one of them is actually working for the raptors now or something. Movies this stupid shouldn't be so hard to follow.

10:14: Somehow Weird Science Chick learned how to speak termite, as this giant bug snuck in to the gothic church and told them how to kill all of the raptors with their energy guns. Nothing makes sense.

9:55: One of the team members was getting eaten by something way bigger than a raptor, but he got away when the non-Weird Science chick with the horrible accent threw a grenade she made out of batteries and LED lights at the dinosaur. Other things that have happened:

- Science guy made a raptor anti-venom.
- There's a "radiation storm" going on.
- Pappy raped the chick from Weird Science.*

*Didn't actually happen, but you can tell Pappy's all about her.

9:44: The movie's a bit slow and jumping around a bit. Much more so than your average Sci-Fi Orig. So Jake and I just discussed whether or not I'd be angry with him if he created a fake e-Harmony account in my name, then had me legally marry some chick he met for me through e-Harmony by stealing my Social Security number and getting us married over the Internet. Then, when she shows up, it turns out she's not actually in love with me, but I fall in love with her.

I decided that yes, I'd be pissed off if this happened. But I think we could pitch it to Sci-Fi - just make the e-Harmony chick a velociraptor. Let's call it e-Raptory.

9:33: And we're back from commercial! Three of the worst CGI'd raptors I've seen are trying to eat the team. One of the team members was bit by a CGIRaptor in the leg, and he promptly died. Blood poured out of his mouth, so that's how we know he died. I'm no doctor, but I don't think that's how the human circulatory system works.

9:25: They've stumbled upon some serious alien/raptor technology in a gothic church. They still haven't explained why they're on Planet Raptor, or what the ultimate mission is. My guess is it's to see how many of the minority team members can get eaten by raptors.

9:21 Th girl from weird science just told two solders that they "sound[ed] like kissing cousins in a Alabama gun show" Is that a really dumb line or a really profound one? Cause I have no idea what it means.

9:10: They're on the planet to "search for signs of alien life." You'd think the houses and barrels and streets would be signs of alien life.

That and the hungry, hungry raptors.

9:06: The chick from Weird Science is in this. Her scientist buddy just got eaten by a space raptor directly in front of her - she handled it pretty well all things considered. I don't know if this is her real accent or if it's something she came up with for this role specifically, but it's a solid effort either way.

9:03: "First lesson I learned when I was in training - when they say it's a routine mission, take extra ammo."

Suck it, Call me Ishmael.

9:01 Opening credits included the phrase: Peter Jasons as Pappy... a promising start

Holy Shit Movies

Because Sundays should be spent watching tidy two hour Sci Fi Original films.